ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
