My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
