If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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