I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Randomize
