Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
why do cheetos always look like penises
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
