So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
