am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
babies were throwing up all over the place
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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