shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
