You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
