I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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