anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
