I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
