I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Randomize
