please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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