I'm so fucking centered right now
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
