Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
