matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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