nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
