I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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