Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
