You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
