The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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