Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
