Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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