When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
