Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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