tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
She's not a foreskin expert like you
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Randomize
