After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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