Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
