apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
