Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
