the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
