There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
