remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
17 Women That Lost Condoms Up Their Lady Parts
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
23 People Confess The Most F*cked Up Thing Guests Have Done In Their House
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate