Umm I'm too high to move.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
21 Millennials Confess The Most Awkward Way Someone Has Tried Hitting On Them
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.