Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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