dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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