Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
As shirtless as possible
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
