If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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