shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
