she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
