My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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