The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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