My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
