the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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