i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
