Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
