y did u give ur computer a hand job?
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
