True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Randomize
