Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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