Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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