I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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