when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Drake has all the answers
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Randomize
