Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
