I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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