Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
