I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
