Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
