dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
