My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
