I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
