Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
